Do you remember how that guy was sure the world was going to end last year? (Spoiler alert: it didn’t.) Well, I think the big problem is he made only one prediction… which he blew. I’ve decided to learn from Harold Camping’s mistake. I’m making a whole mess of predictions for 2012. That way, if even just ONE of my predictions comes true, I can say I was right.  The Kardashians will trademark the letter ‘K’ as well as the hard ‘C.’   Russell Brand and Katy Perry will reconcile; as a public declaration of her love, she’ll change her hairstyle to his. In order to show just how quickly they lost the baby weight, pregnant celebrities will start posing for magazine covers while in their third trimesters. The “pregnancy” will be Photoshopped out.  Facebook and Google will merge. Everything you’ve ever searched for online will be posted to your Facebook newsfeed. Search by search by search. Garry Marshall, director of Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve, will make July Fourth. It will star everyone who appears in the current issue of US Weekly. And Hector Elizondo. Remember the days of Brangelina, Bennifer and TomKat? This year, Pippa Middleton will meet and fall in love with retired NBA star Scottie Pippen. They’ll be called “PipPip.” Of course, she’ll also get called a home wrecker because he’s married.  When “30 Rock” finally returns, there will be a couple of new plot lines:  Jack Donaghy will talk about leaving NBC to run for Congress (although his chances will be derailed when he gets kicked off an airplane for throwing a tantrum over an electronic game). And Liz Lemon’s peaceful summer vacation will be interrupted by Tracy Jordan who goes on a hateful rant during a stand-up act. Bestselling authors Amy Chua (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) and Adam Mansbach (Go the F__k to Sleep) will collaborate on the new book, Do Your F__king Homework. McDonald’s will start offering a special “Black Friday Happy Meal” on Thanksgiving. Anxious shoppers can skip the sit-down dinner and grab their turkey and mashed potatoes to go. Each meal comes with a small canister of pepper spray. Tired of talking about lead paint and choking hazards month after month, employees at the Consumer Products and Safety Commission will stop issuing toy recalls this year. Instead, all toys, games, dolls and puzzles will come with warning labels similar to the ones on cigarette boxes: “This Product May Be Harmful To Your Child’s Health.” In search for a completely new look, Lady Gaga will start wearing mom jeans, sweatshirts with pictures of kittens saying funny things and scrunchies. Finally, it’s going to be a busy year for Ms. Courtney Stodden. She’s going to be starring on both “Real Housewives of Orange County” AND “My Super Sweet 16.”

Do you remember how that guy was sure the world was going to end last year? (Spoiler alert: it didn’t.) Well, I think the big problem is he made only one prediction… which he blew. I’ve decided to learn from Harold Camping’s mistake. I’m making a whole mess of predictions for 2012. That way, if even just ONE of my predictions comes true, I can say I was right. 

The Kardashians will trademark the letter ‘K’ as well as the hard ‘C.’  

Russell Brand and Katy Perry will reconcile; as a public declaration of her love, she’ll change her hairstyle to his.

In order to show just how quickly they lost the baby weight, pregnant celebrities will start posing for magazine covers while in their third trimesters. The “pregnancy” will be Photoshopped out. 

Facebook and Google will merge. Everything you’ve ever searched for online will be posted to your Facebook newsfeed. Search by search by search.

Garry Marshall, director of Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve, will make July Fourth. It will star everyone who appears in the current issue of US Weekly. And Hector Elizondo.

Remember the days of Brangelina, Bennifer and TomKat? This year, Pippa Middleton will meet and fall in love with retired NBA star Scottie Pippen. They’ll be called “PipPip.” Of course, she’ll also get called a home wrecker because he’s married. 

When “30 Rock” finally returns, there will be a couple of new plot lines:  Jack Donaghy will talk about leaving NBC to run for Congress (although his chances will be derailed when he gets kicked off an airplane for throwing a tantrum over an electronic game). And Liz Lemon’s peaceful summer vacation will be interrupted by Tracy Jordan who goes on a hateful rant during a stand-up act.

Bestselling authors Amy Chua (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) and Adam Mansbach (Go the F__k to Sleep) will collaborate on the new book, Do Your F__king Homework.

McDonald’s will start offering a special “Black Friday Happy Meal” on Thanksgiving. Anxious shoppers can skip the sit-down dinner and grab their turkey and mashed potatoes to go. Each meal comes with a small canister of pepper spray.

Tired of talking about lead paint and choking hazards month after month, employees at the Consumer Products and Safety Commission will stop issuing toy recalls this year. Instead, all toys, games, dolls and puzzles will come with warning labels similar to the ones on cigarette boxes: “This Product May Be Harmful To Your Child’s Health.”

In search for a completely new look, Lady Gaga will start wearing mom jeans, sweatshirts with pictures of kittens saying funny things and scrunchies.

Finally, it’s going to be a busy year for Ms. Courtney Stodden. She’s going to be starring on both “Real Housewives of Orange County” AND “My Super Sweet 16.”