Do you know what one of my grand plans for Mammalingo was when I started it a year ago? I was going to frequently post my parenting essays. (I am now throwing back my head and laughing like a crazy person.) If you’ve been reading for a while or even for just a few days, you’ll see that I don’t exactly do that. But, the good thing about today is that since it’s my blog’s birthday, I can re-post an essay I did write one year ago. And, here it is. I’m taking the rest of the day off. Copying and pasting this was SO MUCH WORK. I need a beer. And a nap. And then another beer. Obviously, someone else will have to drive carpool today.
Letter to My Sons
When you grow up, there’s nothing more that I want for each of you other than health and happiness. Those are the only two things in this world that really matter. Well, that – and of course – being kind and considerate of others. That’s all. If you’re good hearted, happy and healthy, then I will feel that I succeeded as your mother.
I also hope that you will both have the good sense never to climb a ladder in a thunderstorm. One of the most disturbing stories I ever heard was about a guy who was trying to climb up on his roof to improve his television reception during a baseball game.
It probably goes without saying but I hope neither of you star in a reality show on MTV, unless it’s a program documenting the lives of astronauts as they prepare for a space shuttle launch.
Don’t be the kind of guys who constantly quote aloud from Jim Carrey movies, especially ones where he’s a pet detective who likes to talk out of his butt.
If you’re ever a groomsman, don’t comment on the attractiveness of the bridal party in your wedding toast by saying that you “wouldn’t kick any of the bridesmaids out of bed.” This goes double if you’re the groom. Triple if you’re the father of the bride.
Unless you are 100 percent positive or in the lobby of a maternity ward, never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
Don’t drone on endlessly about your Netflix cue. And, if someone does reciprocate and tells you about what DVD they’ll soon watch, don’t ask, “Is that the one where his wife ends up being the killer?”
Learn to play an instrument – unless you consider the whistle an instrument. If you do, I’m not paying for your lessons.
Never get a tattoo of the name of your girlfriend. It always ends in heartbreak and lots of money spent on laser removal.
No tank tops. No sandals with socks. No fur coats. And don’t go to football games wearing only a pair of pants and the name of your favorite team painted on your chest. In fact, don’t go anywhere wearing only a pair of pants and the name of your favorite team painted on your chest.
If you go to a strip club, and I understand that in many social circles this is a right of passage, don’t call it a “titty bar.” While we’re on the subject, don’t refer to breasts as “fun bags.”
Please be aware that the time to trim your fingernails is not on a bus or train. The same, it should be said, goes for toenails.
Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you’re leading people somewhere that’s dangerous. Then, it’s okay to let someone else lead.