10 More Things I Think New Parents Should Know

  • You never imagined how much you would be talking about poop. Unless you work for a laxative company. Because if you work for a laxative company, you are probably already talking about poop a lot.
  • People are friendly when you’re with with a baby. That said, people are even friendlier when you’re with a puppy.
  • Everyone tells you to “sleep when the baby’s sleeping.” It’s good advice. But, remember, it’s “sleep when the baby’s sleeping… unless the baby fell asleep in the car and you’re driving.” 
  • Don’t beat yourself up over every little thing. Babies have really low expectations. 
  • If you think you might be posting too many pictures on Facebook, you probably are.
  • No matter how much you love your child, naptime is never long enough. 
  • Yes, in the beginning they cry and cry and cry. But, babies don’t gossip. They don’t brag. They don’t get smoker’s breath. And they don’t interrupt with the punchline when you’re telling a joke. 
  • Take a lot of pictures and write things down. At the very least, you can use it as blackmail one day.
  • When people come to visit after you come home from the hospital, remember they are there to see you and the baby. Remember they don’t expect you or your house to look perfect. And remember, if you are talking anywhere near the baby monitor, there’s a good chance they can hear you. 
  • The secret to being a good parent? There isn’t one. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. 
I made a list last week. I made one today. Now it’s your turn. Do you have anything you want to add? You can write something in the comments. Or you can write it on your own blog and include a link in the comments. Or you can just ignore this request completely because it’s your life and I’m not going to tell you how to live it. 

14 Things I Think New Parents Should Know

  • The more time and effort put into decorating a nursery, the more likely that the baby will sleep in your room.
  • Things that don’t wake a sleeping newborn: loud noises and bright lights. Things that do wake a sleeping newborn: sitting down to eat dinner. 
  • Maybe they’ll say it’s the eyes. Maybe they’ll say it’s the mouth. Whatever it is, people will insist on telling you that your newborn looks like you. It’s almost never true. And, if we’re being honest, it’s not much of a compliment. Newborns are pretty darn funny looking.
  • You may not want to cut your baby’s nails because you are afraid of making her bleed. However, if you don’t cut your baby’s nails, she will probably scratch herself and, then, she’ll bleed. So, why postpone the inevitable?
  • There is no greater thrill than the first time a baby calls out “mama” or “dada,” even when it is directed toward the cat. 
  • Sleeping a lot and eating a lot are traits highly cherished in babies. Unfortunately, neither are particularly admired in adults. 
  • As a new parent, strangers will often approach you to ask, “Is he a good baby?” Surprise them by saying, “No, he’s kind of an asshole.”
  • You will discover that there must have been something very, very tricky about composing a melody for  ”Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” The ABC’s,” and “Baa Baa Black Sheep.” 
  • If she is wearing a nice outfit, it is likely that your baby will poop.
  • If you are wearing a nice outfit, it is likely that your baby will poop.
  • From the moment you arrive home from the hospital, you will be asked if your baby sleeps through the night. Tell them you don’t know. Tell them you spend most nights out clubbing.
  • Make sure you learn all the noises that farm animals make. Even though most people no longer live on farms, the sounds that sheeps, pigs and cows make are priority number one when teaching your little one to talk.
  • Despite advances in science, no one has figured out how to diagnose a dirty diaper besides sniffing at it or peeking in it. When you’re in public, learn to do this discreetly.
  • When all else fails, if you can’t stop your baby from crying, turn on some music and dance around the living room. Even if the crying doesn’t stop, at least you’ll enjoy yourself. 

When teaching children to talk, why are the noises that farm animals make given such a high priority? We seem to focus on the names of family members, body parts — and then jump to “a sheep says ‘baaa.’” (Who decided on these anyway. I have never, ever heard a pig “oink.”)  And why is there so little attention paid to wild animals besides lions, tigers and bears?  Like, what sound does a zebra make? No, really, what sound does a zebra make? I have no clue. P.S. As I get closer to my move, I’ll be posting less frequently. Awww. Stop. No. Stop. Don’t cry.  (Photo from Allegro Fabrics.) 

When teaching children to talk, why are the noises that farm animals make given such a high priority? We seem to focus on the names of family members, body parts — and then jump to “a sheep says ‘baaa.’” (Who decided on these anyway. I have never, ever heard a pig “oink.”) 

And why is there so little attention paid to wild animals besides lions, tigers and bears?  Like, what sound does a zebra make?

No, really, what sound does a zebra make?

I have no clue.

P.S. As I get closer to my move, I’ll be posting less frequently. Awww. Stop. No. Stop. Don’t cry. 

(Photo from Allegro Fabrics.) 

Have you seen this yet? It’s pretty popular. It’s a Fisher-Price plastic case that turns your iPhone into a baby toy. As the New York Times says, “The hard plastic case is designed to appeal to a teething baby especially eager to bite your iPhone or iPod Touch. After you start your app of choice, you lock your device inside the case. The screen and home button are now protected behind a drool-proof clear plastic shield.” Yeah. Why give your six month old a cheap teether when you can hand them your expensive iPhone? And, why ask a restaurant for a booster seat if you have a laptop or iPad handy? Let your toddler just sit on your computer. Why use a coloring book if you have a flat screen television? Wrap your TV in big sheets of paper and lean it against the wall.  Looking for stickers for your kiddo? Have an alarm system installed! The company will give you some FREE stickers with the installation. 

Have you seen this yet? It’s pretty popular. It’s a Fisher-Price plastic case that turns your iPhone into a baby toy.

As the New York Times says, “The hard plastic case is designed to appeal to a teething baby especially eager to bite your iPhone or iPod Touch. After you start your app of choice, you lock your device inside the case. The screen and home button are now protected behind a drool-proof clear plastic shield.”

Yeah. Why give your six month old a cheap teether when you can hand them your expensive iPhone?

And, why ask a restaurant for a booster seat if you have a laptop or iPad handy? Let your toddler just sit on your computer.

Why use a coloring book if you have a flat screen television? Wrap your TV in big sheets of paper and lean it against the wall. 

Looking for stickers for your kiddo? Have an alarm system installed! The company will give you some FREE stickers with the installation. 

It just happened. I got asked the “good baby” question. I was at the grocery store and a sweet, dear older woman behind me asked me if my son was a “good baby.” I feel like this is the most standard question for moms with infants, and I need a new answer… something other than, “Oh yes!” I think next time I might try this: “Is he a good baby?” “No. He’s sort of an $#%hole.”

It just happened. I got asked the “good baby” question. I was at the grocery store and a sweet, dear older woman behind me asked me if my son was a “good baby.” I feel like this is the most standard question for moms with infants, and I need a new answer… something other than, “Oh yes!” I think next time I might try this:

“Is he a good baby?”

“No. He’s sort of an $#%hole.”