BABIES AND TODDLERS TELL YOU WHAT THEY’RE THINKING
Vanity Fair runs its version of “The Proust Questionnaire” every month. By answering, participants often reveal a great deal about their true nature. Because I’ve wanted to better understand babies and toddlers for some time, I’ve asked a one-year-old, two-year-old and three-year-old to answer questions from the survey.
ONE-YEAR-OLD:
What is your current state of mind?
My mouth is killing me.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I just want my mouth to stop hurting.
What is it that you most dislike?
Teething. Have you ever witnessed a shark attack? That’s what’s happening. A shark attack… in my mouth. Please, excuse me a moment. [Jams fist in mouth.]
What do you most value in your friends?
I don’t have any friends.
What is your most treasured possession?
I have two. My mother’s breasts.
On what occasion do you lie?
Horizontally? I like to be nice and comfy when I nurse.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
It’s a toss up between my dad, my mom, and the cute kid in the mirror.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I’d like to get the walking thing down.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Watch this! [Waves bye-bye.] 
TWO-YEAR-OLD:
What is your current state of mind?
I’m not taking a nap.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Pushing all of the buttons in the elevator.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Diapers. I can’t even begin to tell you how many I go through a day.
What do you most value in your friends?
Their toys.
What is your most treasured possession?
All of them. They are all mine.
On what occasion do you lie?
I don’t know if this is a lie – but let’s just say I don’t exactly drop everything the moment I soil myself.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Why do you ask about changing myself? Do you smell something?
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I don’t know about my greatest achievement, but I’ll tell you what I did not just do. I did NOT just poop. 
THREE-YEAR-OLD:
What is your greatest fear?
Dogs, the dark, the orange cup, weird noises, getting shots, fireworks, babysitters, broken crackers, closed doors, and getting sucked down the bathtub drain.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
A need for privacy.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
It’s a tossup between patience, self-control, and good hygiene.
On what occasion do you lie?
I don’t need a special occasion to lie.
What is your favorite occupation?
Dinosaur doctor.
What talent would you most like to have?
I’d like to reach high-up things.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? 
I once drew a beautiful picture all over our sofa. If you look closely, you can still see it.

BABIES AND TODDLERS TELL YOU WHAT THEY’RE THINKING

Vanity Fair runs its version of “The Proust Questionnaire” every month. By answering, participants often reveal a great deal about their true nature. Because I’ve wanted to better understand babies and toddlers for some time, I’ve asked a one-year-old, two-year-old and three-year-old to answer questions from the survey.

ONE-YEAR-OLD:

What is your current state of mind?

My mouth is killing me.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I just want my mouth to stop hurting.

What is it that you most dislike?

Teething. Have you ever witnessed a shark attack? That’s what’s happening. A shark attack… in my mouth. Please, excuse me a moment. [Jams fist in mouth.]

What do you most value in your friends?

I don’t have any friends.

What is your most treasured possession?

I have two. My mother’s breasts.

On what occasion do you lie?

Horizontally? I like to be nice and comfy when I nurse.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

It’s a toss up between my dad, my mom, and the cute kid in the mirror.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I’d like to get the walking thing down.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Watch this! [Waves bye-bye.] 

TWO-YEAR-OLD:

What is your current state of mind?

I’m not taking a nap.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Pushing all of the buttons in the elevator.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Diapers. I can’t even begin to tell you how many I go through a day.

What do you most value in your friends?

Their toys.

What is your most treasured possession?

All of them. They are all mine.

On what occasion do you lie?

I don’t know if this is a lie – but let’s just say I don’t exactly drop everything the moment I soil myself.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Why do you ask about changing myself? Do you smell something?

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I don’t know about my greatest achievement, but I’ll tell you what I did not just do. I did NOT just poop. 

THREE-YEAR-OLD:

What is your greatest fear?

Dogs, the dark, the orange cup, weird noises, getting shots, fireworks, babysitters, broken crackers, closed doors, and getting sucked down the bathtub drain.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

A need for privacy.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

It’s a tossup between patience, self-control, and good hygiene.

On what occasion do you lie?

I don’t need a special occasion to lie.

What is your favorite occupation?

Dinosaur doctor.

What talent would you most like to have?

I’d like to reach high-up things.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I once drew a beautiful picture all over our sofa. If you look closely, you can still see it.

I revisited one of my favorite things to write about for Scary Mommy. It’s called, “28 Reasons Kids Are Awesome.” That said, please do not get the wrong idea. I don’t even like children! They’re sticky and never have any good gossip. Anyway, here’s 1-10. And then a link to the rest.
1. They make friends fast. “Do you want to play?” That’s it. As adults, it’s much more difficult to form a relationship so quickly. Unless you are in a bar at closing time.
2. They don’t hold grudges. Sure, little kids fight. But when it’s over, it’s over. This is why “Real Housewives” doesn’t revolve around the lives of a bunch of four year olds.
3. They go with their gut. Small children don’t fret over whether they made the right decision. They’d much prefer to spend time fretting over whether you gave them the right color cup.
4. They live in the moment. They don’t dwell in the past. They don’t worry about the future – unless they are being told that it’s bedtime.
5. They make stuff. They draw. They glue. They paint. They cut anything they can get their hands on. Seriously, keep your scissors hidden and don’t say you weren’t warned.
6. They say what they mean. They don’t need to get anything off their chests because they’ve already said everything. If adults did that, there would be a lot less drinking at Thanksgiving.
7. They get excited. Little children can find spectacular in the mundane. Two-year-olds have been known to cheer for clothes in a washing machine the way most people would a favorite sport’s team.
8. They don’t discriminate. Until taught otherwise, they’re accepting of everyone. Well, everyone except babies. The number one insult from a small child is being called a “baby.”
9. They admit when they’re scared. This lets us help them alleviate their fears. They also admit when they’re mad. Hell hath no fury like a three-year-old who discovers that you’re out of string cheese.
10. They accept compliments. When you give a child a compliment, she’ll probably answer, “I know.”

- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/reasons-kids-are-awesome/#sthash.5Xd9fVNn.dpuf

I revisited one of my favorite things to write about for Scary Mommy. It’s called, “28 Reasons Kids Are Awesome.” That said, please do not get the wrong idea. I don’t even like children! They’re sticky and never have any good gossip. Anyway, here’s 1-10. And then a link to the rest.

1. They make friends fast. “Do you want to play?” That’s it. As adults, it’s much more difficult to form a relationship so quickly. Unless you are in a bar at closing time.

2. They don’t hold grudges. Sure, little kids fight. But when it’s over, it’s over. This is why “Real Housewives” doesn’t revolve around the lives of a bunch of four year olds.

3. They go with their gut. Small children don’t fret over whether they made the right decision. They’d much prefer to spend time fretting over whether you gave them the right color cup.

4. They live in the moment. They don’t dwell in the past. They don’t worry about the future – unless they are being told that it’s bedtime.

5. They make stuff. They draw. They glue. They paint. They cut anything they can get their hands on. Seriously, keep your scissors hidden and don’t say you weren’t warned.

6. They say what they mean. They don’t need to get anything off their chests because they’ve already said everything. If adults did that, there would be a lot less drinking at Thanksgiving.

7. They get excited. Little children can find spectacular in the mundane. Two-year-olds have been known to cheer for clothes in a washing machine the way most people would a favorite sport’s team.

8. They don’t discriminate. Until taught otherwise, they’re accepting of everyone. Well, everyone except babies. The number one insult from a small child is being called a “baby.”

9. They admit when they’re scared. This lets us help them alleviate their fears. They also admit when they’re mad. Hell hath no fury like a three-year-old who discovers that you’re out of string cheese.

10. They accept compliments. When you give a child a compliment, she’ll probably answer, “I know.”

- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/reasons-kids-are-awesome/#sthash.5Xd9fVNn.dpuf

I wrote about something that is very important to me and hope you will take a moment to read it. It is about a suggestion, made publicly, by Rep. Jack Kingston who is running for Senate. He would like to see kids who receive free school lunch (that’s more than 30 million children) sweep the floors. He wants them to learn that there is “no such thing as a free lunch.”
I disagree, to put it mildly, and wrote about it for the Huffington Post. 

I wrote about something that is very important to me and hope you will take a moment to read it. It is about a suggestion, made publicly, by Rep. Jack Kingston who is running for Senate. He would like to see kids who receive free school lunch (that’s more than 30 million children) sweep the floors. He wants them to learn that there is “no such thing as a free lunch.”

I disagree, to put it mildly, and wrote about it for the Huffington Post

What Kids Can Teach Us About Happiness

This list ran last year, and I’m actually working on an all-new set of reasons right now. But until that’s done… repeat! 

1. They make friends fast. Whether at the park or the pediatrician’s office, little kids make friends quickly. “Do you want to play?”That’s it. “Do you want to play?” They don’t seem to worry about being rejected. I don’t even think rejection crosses their mind. As adults, it is much more difficult to form a relationship so quickly. Unless you are in a bar at closing time.

2. They don’t hold grudges. Sure, little kids fight. But when it’s over, it’s over. They don’t stew. They don’t stay mad for weeks. They don’t gossip on the phone about Max getting extra Goldfish during snack time. This is exactly why “Real Housewives” doesn’t revolve around the lives of a bunch of four year olds.

3. They’re curious. “Why aren’t bananas juicy?” “How did the first
person who made pancakes know how to make pancakes?” “How did the baby get into your tummy?” 

4. They’re confident. “Look how high I can jump!” “Look at how strong I am!” “Isn’t this picture beautiful?” Some experts think today’s kids have too much self esteem. They think today’s parents overpraise their offspring. Possibly. But, it’s also my belief that as kids, we start out filled to capacity with confidence, but — ever so slowly — it leaks out of us like helium from a balloon. If you don’t believe me, two words: middle school. 

5. They play. And they don’t even do it because it will look good on their résumés.

6. They’re not afraid to show their feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. And, by ugly, I mean the things you have to apologize for on your child’s behalf using lame excuses like “needs to eat” or “missed his nap.” 

7. They don’t mind getting dirty. You might mind, but they don’t.

8. They’re uninhibited. They’ll dress themselves in fairy wings, a tutu and galoshes to go to the grocery store. Once there, they’ll break into song in the cereal aisle. Having a kid is probably a lot like living with Zooey Deschanel.

9. They don’t care about price tags. Prada. Gucci. Armani. Little
kids don’t care about the label as long as it’s not scratchy.

10. They’re cheap dates, too. Sure, you can take them to the zoo. But, you can also take them out back to look at squirrels, and then you don’t have to pay for parking.

11. They’re funny. Naturally. And, sometimes, on purpose. Be warned, however, little-kid jokes are difficult to follow because most have no punch line. 

12. They see the best in people. I’m not sure at what age most of us become cynical, but it’s not when we are in preschool. Of course, small children are also incredibly gullible. If you were to tell them you invented the s’more, they’d believe you. 

13. They’re honest. If a five year old tells you that you’re the most beautiful mommy in the world, he thinks you are. If he also tells you that your bare legs remind him of daddy’s beard, he thinks that as well.

14. They’re good at keeping secrets. Okay. Just kidding. They’re absolutely, positively terrible at keeping secrets. They’re the worst secret keepers EVER. But, hey, they’re just kids. They can’t be good at everything.

Jason Segel is writing children’s books! (I know!)  
He’s co-authoring a series of books “about kids saving their neighborhood from fear,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. 
"Ultimately, it’s a story about learning that we can accomplish anything, as long as we are brave enough to try," Segel said in a statement. (By the way, this is a good time to mention that I had thought his name was spelled "Segal." I’m so glad that I now know otherwise; it could have been VERY awkward if I ever wrote him a fan letter or invited him to a Bar Mitzvah or something. It is NOT an appropriate time to tell you how sad I was to hear that he and Michelle Williams are no longer together.) 
I got sidetracked and I’m going to repeat his statement again because I liked it. ”Ultimately, it’s a story about learning that we can accomplish anything, as long as we are brave enough to try.”
We’re all swooning a little, right? 
When The Muppets was released, Segel told New York Magazine that he was a bit of a “weird kid” who wore a Superman cape under his clothes until he was 12 years old. 
I happen to remember that because I found it to be one of the most endearing stories about a celebrity ever. And, you should know, I generally roll my eyes at celebrities writing children’s books because you know they just flipped a coin between either writing a book or putting out a fragrance. 
But, this feels right. (As did Mr. Segel’s pairing with Michelle Williams. Ugh. There I go again. I’m sorry.) 
(Photo by Eva Rinaldi. She took it at The Muppets premiere in Australia. I found it on Wikipedia and it’s free as long as I attribute it to her. I won’t just attribute it. I’d like to compliment it as well. It’s quite lovely. Nice shot, Eva.)

Jason Segel is writing children’s books! (I know!)  

He’s co-authoring a series of books “about kids saving their neighborhood from fear,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. 

"Ultimately, it’s a story about learning that we can accomplish anything, as long as we are brave enough to try," Segel said in a statement. (By the way, this is a good time to mention that I had thought his name was spelled "Segal." I’m so glad that I now know otherwise; it could have been VERY awkward if I ever wrote him a fan letter or invited him to a Bar Mitzvah or something. It is NOT an appropriate time to tell you how sad I was to hear that he and Michelle Williams are no longer together.) 

I got sidetracked and I’m going to repeat his statement again because I liked it. ”Ultimately, it’s a story about learning that we can accomplish anything, as long as we are brave enough to try.”

We’re all swooning a little, right? 

When The Muppets was released, Segel told New York Magazine that he was a bit of a “weird kid” who wore a Superman cape under his clothes until he was 12 years old. 

I happen to remember that because I found it to be one of the most endearing stories about a celebrity ever. And, you should know, I generally roll my eyes at celebrities writing children’s books because you know they just flipped a coin between either writing a book or putting out a fragrance. 

But, this feels right. (As did Mr. Segel’s pairing with Michelle Williams. Ugh. There I go again. I’m sorry.) 

(Photo by Eva Rinaldi. She took it at The Muppets premiere in Australia. I found it on Wikipedia and it’s free as long as I attribute it to her. I won’t just attribute it. I’d like to compliment it as well. It’s quite lovely. Nice shot, Eva.)