• You never imagined how much you would be talking about poop. Unless you work for a laxative company. Because if you work for a laxative company, you are probably already talking about poop a lot.

• People are friendly when you’re with with a baby. That said, people are even friendlier when you’re with a puppy.

• Everyone tells you to “sleep when the baby’s sleeping.” It’s good advice. But, remember, it’s “sleep when the baby’s sleeping… unless the baby fell asleep in the car and you’re driving.” 

• Don’t beat yourself up over every little thing. Babies have really low expectations. 

• If you think you might be posting too many pictures on Facebook, you probably are.

• No matter how much you love your child, naptime is never long enough. 

• Yes, in the beginning they cry and cry and cry. But, babies don’t gossip. They don’t brag. They don’t get smoker’s breath. And they don’t interrupt with the punchline when you’re telling a joke. 

• Take a lot of pictures and write things down. At the very least, you can use it as blackmail one day.

• When people come to visit after you come home from the hospital, remember they are there to see you and the baby. Remember they don’t expect you or your house to look perfect. And remember, if you are talking anywhere near the baby monitor, there’s a good chance they can hear you. 

• The secret to being a good parent? There isn’t one. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. 

• The more time and effort put into decorating a nursery, the more likely that the baby will sleep in your room.

• Things that don’t wake a sleeping newborn: loud noises and bright lights. Things that do wake a sleeping newborn: sitting down to eat dinner. 

• Maybe they’ll say it’s the eyes. Maybe they’ll say it’s the mouth. Whatever it is, people will insist on telling you that your newborn looks like you. It’s almost never true. And, if we’re being honest, it’s not much of a compliment. Newborns are pretty darn funny looking.

• You may not want to cut your baby’s nails because you are afraid of making her bleed. However, if you don’t cut your baby’s nails, she will probably scratch herself and, then, she’ll bleed. So, why postpone the inevitable?

• There is no greater thrill than the first time a baby calls out “mama” or “dada,” even when it is directed toward the cat. 

• Sleeping a lot and eating a lot are traits highly cherished in babies. Unfortunately, neither are particularly admired in adults. 

• As a new parent, strangers will often approach you to ask, “Is he a good baby?” Surprise them by saying, “No, he’s kind of an asshole.”

• You will discover that there must have been something very, very tricky about composing a melody for  ”Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” The ABC’s,” and “Baa Baa Black Sheep.” 

• If she is wearing a nice outfit, it is likely that your baby will poop.

• If you are wearing a nice outfit, it is likely that your baby will poop.

• From the moment you arrive home from the hospital, you will be asked if your baby sleeps through the night. Tell them you don’t know. Tell them you spend most nights out clubbing.

• Make sure you learn all the noises that farm animals make. Even though most people no longer live on farms, the sounds that sheeps, pigs and cows make are priority number one when teaching your little one to talk.

• Despite advances in science, no one has figured out how to diagnose a dirty diaper besides sniffing at it or peeking in it. When you’re in public, learn to do this discreetly.

• When all else fails, if you can’t stop your baby from crying, turn on some music and dance around the living room. Even if the crying doesn’t stop, at least you’ll enjoy yourself. 

Let me get this straight. Kids are supposed to stay home when they’re sick. Have a cold. Strep. Diarrhea. Fever. Lice. Pinkeye. Chicken pox. Mono. Bronchitis. Flu. Or a funky rash. If they go to school, they might get other kids sick.

That said, this is my question: why are schools still giving out Perfect Attendance Awards at graduation?