KINDERGARTEN SHOW CANCELED TO PREPARE “CHILDREN FOR COLLEGE AND CAREER.” BABIES SHOULD PREPARE TOO!
The principal and teachers at a New York elementary school canceled the annual Kindergarten show because more time is needed for “preparing children for college and career.”
Here’s a look at the actual letter sent to parents on April 25th that appeared in the Washington Post this weekend:
“The reason for eliminating the Kindergarten show is simple. We are responsible for preparing children for college and career with valuable lifelong skills and know that we can best do that by having them become strong readers, writers, coworkers and problem solvers. Please do not fault us for making professional decisions that we know will never be able to please everyone. But know that we are making these decisions with the interests of all children in mind.”
This is the world we live in, folks! Remember the lessons from “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” such as share, play fair, and don’t hit people? Those lessons are so 1989!
Who cares about learning to get along with others, problem solve, and think creatively? What five and six-year-olds need is more college-prep time! You know what? What BABIES need is more college prep time!
Babies need to do less babyish stuff. Here are my suggestions for what your baby should stop doing immediately if you want him or her to get into a good college (and by “good,” I obviously mean Harvard):
NO CRAWLING: Why encourage something your child will not be doing in college at all? Encourage sitting at a desk. Or – better yet – standing at a standing desk!
NO NAPPING: Napping promote laziness. Lazy babies become lazy children. Lazy children become lazy teenagers. Lazy teenagers do not get into Harvard.
NO NURSERY RHYMES: The pathetic tales glorify inept, clumsy, and ambitionless characters like “Humpty Dumpty” and “Old Mother Hubbard.” Role models these are not.
NO CUDDLING: Cuddling is just another name for coddling. Cuddling promotes infant-parent bonds that can take years to sever.
NO PLAYGROUPS: These interactions are simply an excuse for the parents of unremarkable children to feel less alone. Instead of socializing with a bunch of future Ivy League rejects, work on flash cards.
NO BABY BOOKS: Please do record your baby’s milestones in a baby book. Rolled over at four months? Smiled at six weeks? Who cares? By writing about insignificant events, you begin a pattern of setting the bar low for your child’s real accomplishments. And by real accomplishments I’m talking about bringing home “A’s.”
NO SCRIBBLING: It’s not writing. It’s not art. It’s a waste of time. Besides, when was the last time you saw a college application written in red crayon?