In case you missed it the first time, my post “The Lesson I Learned From a Broken Crayon” is featured on Scary Mommy. 
Here’s a little peek: 
My four-year-old ran out of his room. There was toothpaste all over his shirt and his sneakers were on the wrong feet. My toddler ran after him. His hair and shirt were wet.

“What did you do?” I asked the four-year-old.
We were already running late. Now we would be even later. A tight ball formed in my stomach. “What did you do?” I was mad.
My four-year-old was oblivious to my anger. “I went potty, I got dressed, and I brushed my teeth.” He was jumping up and down with delight.
He had dressed himself. He had brushed his teeth. And he had gone to the bathroom. He had done all of it without my prompts. This is what I had been trying to get him to do for … well, his whole life. This was a good thing. Actually, this was a great thing.


- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-lesson-i-learned-from-a-broken-crayon/#sthash.DVte9IN3.dpuf

In case you missed it the first time, my post “The Lesson I Learned From a Broken Crayon” is featured on Scary Mommy. 

Here’s a little peek: 

My four-year-old ran out of his room. There was toothpaste all over his shirt and his sneakers were on the wrong feet. My toddler ran after him. His hair and shirt were wet.

“What did you do?” I asked the four-year-old.

We were already running late. Now we would be even later. A tight ball formed in my stomach. “What did you do?” I was mad.

My four-year-old was oblivious to my anger. “I went potty, I got dressed, and I brushed my teeth.” He was jumping up and down with delight.

He had dressed himself. He had brushed his teeth. And he had gone to the bathroom. He had done all of it without my prompts. This is what I had been trying to get him to do for … well, his whole life. This was a good thing. Actually, this was a great thing.

- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-lesson-i-learned-from-a-broken-crayon/#sthash.DVte9IN3.dpuf

What My Three Year Old Might Like To Be When He Grows Up

A noodle twirler,

bug collector,

Frisbee hurler,

toy inspector,

finger snapper,

maze constructor,

gift unwrapper,

train conductor,

hula hooper,

snowball thrower,

ice cream scooper

bubble blower,

flower picker,

hiccup stopper

frosting licker,

balloon popper,

secret keeper,

costume sewer

car horn beeper,

pizza thrower,

rainbow finder

dump truck dumper,

yo-yo winder,

puddle jumper,

candy seller,

spaceship flyer,

fortune teller,

french-fry fryer,

cinnamon bun baker,

roller coaster rider,

stuffed animal maker,

safe-at-home-plate slider,

trampoline tester,

world-famous spit baller,

crocodile wrestler,

and a whole lot taller.

Why Being a Toddler is the World’s Toughest Job

I pity toddlers. I feel so sorry for those little Pillsbury Doughboy lookalikes. I do. When I see one, I don’t think, “Oh, how adorable.” I think, “Oh, you poor dear.” Because being a toddler is not all fun and games. I mean, yes, some of being a toddler is – literally – fun and games. But a lot of it is hard work. Scratch that. MOST of it is hard work. Being a toddler may, in fact, be the world’s toughest job.

RULES

Infants get to do pretty much whatever they want, whenever they want. The same cannot be said for toddlers. When you’re a toddler, you’re expected to follow the rules. But there’s just one problem: you don’t know what most of the rules are. Most rules are discovered only AFTER they’ve been broken. You can’t draw on the sofa. Not even in a pretty color?! You shouldn’t throw sand. But it’s so lightweight?! You’re not supposed to bathe your doll in it the toilet.  Ok. Got it. You will never again wash your doll in the potty. (Next time, you’ll bathe the cat instead.)

TIME

Last month I went to the DMV to renew my driver’s license and, a few hours later, was told that I wouldn’t be seen. I was instructed to go home and come back another day. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I almost threw a temper tantrum. Okay. I sort of threw a temper tantrum. Toddlers don’t have to go to the DMV to have no control over their own schedules. And it must be maddening. Really enjoying playing with your train? Well, it’s time to stop. Having fun at the park? We’re leaving in five minutes. (Whatever five minutes is.)

FOOD

Mealtime for toddlers is a lot like eating in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and can’t read the menu. Most food is new and, therefore, strange. And some food – new or not – is downright scary. But with toddlers there’s an added twist, you get strapped into your chair when you eat. It’s not surprising that toddlers are picky eaters. It would only be surprising if they weren’t.

WISDOM

Adults know they can’t get sucked down the bathtub drain, but toddlers do not. If you did think it was a possibility, you would probably hate baths. If you believed a Golden Retriever wanted to eat you, you would probably be scared of dogs. And if you were worried that the dinosaurs on your pillowcase might come to life while you slept, you might be terrified of linens. True. Only some toddlers are scared of baths. Only some toddlers are scared of dogs. And very few are scared of pillows. But most toddlers have some fears. And, to them, they’re not irrational ones.

It’s only life experience – and an understanding of the most basic scientific concepts – that turns the world into a place that makes some sense. Okay. That’s not true. No matter how old you get, the world doesn’t make sense. But, at least most of us aren’t afraid of baths.

LANGUAGE

If you knew so few words that they could easily be recorded within a few lines of a baby book, you’d probably resort to crying every now and then too. Your shirt is bothering you but you can’t figure out how to say, “Oh my God! The tag in this shirt is so scratchy! I’d like to change into something more comfortable! Preferably in organic cotton!” But you can’t. So you get upset. And what’s the reaction from mom or dad? They tell you to use your words. Use your words! If you could, you would!

KINDERGARTEN SHOW CANCELED TO PREPARE “CHILDREN FOR COLLEGE AND CAREER.” BABIES SHOULD PREPARE TOO!
The principal and teachers at a New York elementary school canceled the annual Kindergarten show because more time is needed for “preparing children for college and career.”
Here’s a look at the actual letter sent to parents on April 25th that appeared in the Washington Post this weekend:
“The reason for eliminating the Kindergarten show is simple. We are responsible for preparing children for college and career with valuable lifelong skills and know that we can best do that by having them become strong readers, writers, coworkers and problem solvers. Please do not fault us for making professional decisions that we know will never be able to please everyone. But know that we are making these decisions with the interests of all children in mind.”
This is the world we live in, folks! Remember the lessons from “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” such as share, play fair, and don’t hit people? Those lessons are so 1989! 
Who cares about learning to get along with others, problem solve, and think creatively? What five and six-year-olds need is more college-prep time! You know what? What BABIES need is more college prep time! 
Babies need to do less babyish stuff. Here are my suggestions for what your baby should stop doing immediately if you want him or her to get into a good college (and by “good,” I obviously mean Harvard):
NO CRAWLING: Why encourage something your child will not be doing in college at all? Encourage sitting at a desk. Or – better yet – standing at a standing desk! 
NO NAPPING: Napping promote laziness. Lazy babies become lazy children. Lazy children become lazy teenagers. Lazy teenagers do not get into Harvard. 
NO NURSERY RHYMES: The pathetic tales glorify inept, clumsy, and ambitionless characters like “Humpty Dumpty” and “Old Mother Hubbard.” Role models these are not.
NO CUDDLING: Cuddling is just another name for coddling. Cuddling promotes infant-parent bonds that can take years to sever. 
NO PLAYGROUPS: These interactions are simply an excuse for the parents of unremarkable children to feel less alone. Instead of socializing with a bunch of future Ivy League rejects, work on flash cards. 
NO BABY BOOKS: Please do record your baby’s milestones in a baby book. Rolled over at four months? Smiled at six weeks? Who cares? By writing about insignificant events, you begin a pattern of setting the bar low for your child’s real accomplishments. And by real accomplishments I’m talking about bringing home “A’s.”  
NO SCRIBBLING: It’s not writing. It’s not art. It’s a waste of time. Besides, when was the last time you saw a college application written in red crayon?

KINDERGARTEN SHOW CANCELED TO PREPARE “CHILDREN FOR COLLEGE AND CAREER.” BABIES SHOULD PREPARE TOO!

The principal and teachers at a New York elementary school canceled the annual Kindergarten show because more time is needed for “preparing children for college and career.”

Here’s a look at the actual letter sent to parents on April 25th that appeared in the Washington Post this weekend:

“The reason for eliminating the Kindergarten show is simple. We are responsible for preparing children for college and career with valuable lifelong skills and know that we can best do that by having them become strong readers, writers, coworkers and problem solvers. Please do not fault us for making professional decisions that we know will never be able to please everyone. But know that we are making these decisions with the interests of all children in mind.”

This is the world we live in, folks! Remember the lessons from “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” such as share, play fair, and don’t hit people? Those lessons are so 1989!

Who cares about learning to get along with others, problem solve, and think creatively? What five and six-year-olds need is more college-prep time! You know what? What BABIES need is more college prep time!

Babies need to do less babyish stuff. Here are my suggestions for what your baby should stop doing immediately if you want him or her to get into a good college (and by “good,” I obviously mean Harvard):

NO CRAWLING: Why encourage something your child will not be doing in college at all? Encourage sitting at a desk. Or – better yet – standing at a standing desk!

NO NAPPING: Napping promote laziness. Lazy babies become lazy children. Lazy children become lazy teenagers. Lazy teenagers do not get into Harvard. 

NO NURSERY RHYMES: The pathetic tales glorify inept, clumsy, and ambitionless characters like “Humpty Dumpty” and “Old Mother Hubbard.” Role models these are not.

NO CUDDLING: Cuddling is just another name for coddling. Cuddling promotes infant-parent bonds that can take years to sever. 

NO PLAYGROUPS: These interactions are simply an excuse for the parents of unremarkable children to feel less alone. Instead of socializing with a bunch of future Ivy League rejects, work on flash cards. 

NO BABY BOOKS: Please do record your baby’s milestones in a baby book. Rolled over at four months? Smiled at six weeks? Who cares? By writing about insignificant events, you begin a pattern of setting the bar low for your child’s real accomplishments. And by real accomplishments I’m talking about bringing home “A’s.”  

NO SCRIBBLING: It’s not writing. It’s not art. It’s a waste of time. Besides, when was the last time you saw a college application written in red crayon?

As any mother or father knows, parenting indelibly shapes you – for the better and the worse. “Mothering and fathering aren’t just things we do. Being a mother or being a father is who we are,” writes Jennifer Senior in her book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenting.
I talked about All Joy and No Fun a few months ago because it’s beautifully researched, well written, and engrossing. It’s not a parenting book. It’s a book about what it means to be a parent. And I highly recommend it.
(In my initial review I mentioned that I’m friendly with Jennifer because I think you should disclose things like that when you’re promoting something. I also dated Ryan Gosling for three years and George Clooney for two. So glad I got all of that off my chest. And speaking of my chest, I modeled for Victoria’s Secret for 15 years. Phew. Coming clean feels so good, you guys!)
Here’s the deal: If you are interested in Jennifer’s book but haven’t gotten around to reading it yet (maybe you’re like me and you’ve been using the three books on your nightstand as a coaster for most of 2014), you’re in luck. Jennifer gave a TED Talk based on her book. It’s interesting and thought provoking and will make you feel smarter. I’m linking to it here; all you have to do is click and then you can watch it – isn’t technology grand? 

As any mother or father knows, parenting indelibly shapes you – for the better and the worse. “Mothering and fathering aren’t just things we do. Being a mother or being a father is who we are,” writes Jennifer Senior in her book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenting.

I talked about All Joy and No Fun a few months ago because it’s beautifully researched, well written, and engrossing. It’s not a parenting book. It’s a book about what it means to be a parent. And I highly recommend it.

(In my initial review I mentioned that I’m friendly with Jennifer because I think you should disclose things like that when you’re promoting something. I also dated Ryan Gosling for three years and George Clooney for two. So glad I got all of that off my chest. And speaking of my chest, I modeled for Victoria’s Secret for 15 years. Phew. Coming clean feels so good, you guys!)

Here’s the deal: If you are interested in Jennifer’s book but haven’t gotten around to reading it yet (maybe you’re like me and you’ve been using the three books on your nightstand as a coaster for most of 2014), you’re in luck. Jennifer gave a TED Talk based on her book. It’s interesting and thought provoking and will make you feel smarter. I’m linking to it here; all you have to do is click and then you can watch it – isn’t technology grand? 

17 Things Your Child’s Pediatrician Doesn’t Want to Hear From You

1. I’m sorry to call at 2 a.m. but I don’t think we’ve ever discussed your philosophy on vaccinations.

2. I did a quick Google search on my phone and have to strongly disagree.

3. It turns out that we actually live closer to your home than to your office. Could we just schedule something at your house?

4. Does a high Apgar score have anything to do with being gifted?

5. While we’re here, would you mind taking a look at my mole?

6. Shots are a really big deal in our family. After the visit, instead of stickers, we’ll need you for a quick trophy presentation.

7. According to Jenny McCarthy….

8. There are a lot of coughing children in the waiting room. Is there somewhere else we could wait?

9. I have to jump on a quick conference call. Can you keep your voice down during the exam?

10. Can I get your cell phone number? I don’t like dealing with the answering service. 

11. Can I give YOU some advice?

12. We’re applying to preschools and would love a letter of recommendation from you and from each of your partners.

13. Could you say that a little louder? We’re recording this for our YouTube channel.

14. I see you have diplomas on your wall. Do you have any copies of your actual report cards? 

15. I’m not sure if you saw the blog post I wrote about you, but I just want to you to know I was having a really bad day when I wrote it. I had no idea it would go viral.

16. Did you get my friend request on Facebook?

17. Thanks for calling back so quickly. I was just checking to see how long it would take to reach you if I said it was an emergency.